The Lord of Creation

Surbhie Sidwaani, March 2010
Om Namah Shivay, Shivji Sada Sahay
Om Namah Shivay, Guruji Sada Sahay

I had been married since August 2005, yet we had not been able to start a family. Based on doctors' advice I went through many tests-some simple, others complicated and painful. By and large, all my reports turned out ok. There was increasing pressure from family and friends to start a family and then there was the fact that we were aging. I refused a couple of great career opportunities outside India to focus on having a family; our marriage also came under stress.

Around August 2007, I asked a very close friend of mine, a practitioner of Buddhism, to introduce me to Buddhism. I practiced Buddhism whole heartedly, attended meetings, read books and chanted-with the sole aim of having a baby. Our families suggested the usual remedies: dips in holy water, charity etc. We undertook these even as we continued to visit doctors, wasting money on their fees and the tests.

Finally, the day came when my Mamaji out of the blue (as I thought at that time) suggested that I should seek Guruji's blessing and go to the Bade Mandir. I convinced my husband Saurabh, a non-believer, to accompany me. It was towards the end of May 2008 when Guruji's call came. We went to Bade Mandir, and it was a beautiful experience. While my cousin and I were taking chai prasad, Mamaji told me that a lady devotee was distributing Guruji's photographs and I should go and get one. I wasn't sure if I wanted one, as I knew Saurabh would scold me and never agree to put Guruji's photo in our house. When we approached the devotee, the few pictures had already been distributed. However, she said she would distribute some of Guruji's books after the first round of the langar. I was eager to get the book. But by the time we reached her after our langar, the books had been distributed. I was not keen on the photo, but had really wanted the book. Why hadn't Guruji given me one? I was thinking so when my Mami came and handed over the book to me.

I made it a point to read one satsang before sleeping and was convinced that Guruji would bless me within the same month.

Then the day came for the pregnancy test. I was convinced that Guruji wanted me to take the test on Thursday. Saurabh insisted on Wednesday, as he was going to Bangalore on Thursday and didn't want me to face any negative results alone.

On Wednesday evening, when I returned from office, I had an intense stomach ache. I knew there was no need to take the test. I said so to Saurabh and howled in front of Guruji's photograph, believing that He had ditched my trust on Him. Suddenly, Saurabh remembered something: On Wednesday morning he had seen Guruji in his dream and Guruji had told him in Punjabi that the result would be negative and he (Saurabh) should take care of me. (Saurabh hardly had any dreams; this was the first dream he talked about since our marriage.) I was shocked and went before Guruji's photograph again. I said sorry to Him and thanked Him for at least having me in mind.

On Thursday when I narrated the instance to my cousin, Gopika (my mama's daughter who was pregnant then), she took the view that I should be happy that Guruji had accepted us as His sangat. There has been no looking back since then.

That same day, as Saurabh was out of town, my Mama was dropping me to Delhi. I happened to mention that I was practising Buddhism and doing some chanting, which gave me good energy. Mama believed differently. I took his word as Guruji's message, and left Buddhism immediately. I had full faith in Guruji.

Saurabh also enjoyed going to the Bade Mandir and we'd be there every Thursday.

In the meanwhile, my gynaecologist was suggesting an IUI. We also met a laparoscopy expert who, of course, advised laparoscopy. Saurabh was not interested in laproscopy because of the incision involved, but left the decision to me.

We went to the Bade Mandir on Thursday and while sitting in the hall of Bade Mandir I felt that Guruji was telling me to wait till my cousin's delivery, as Gopika required Him more. Gopika was on bed rest during most of her later term. Her due date was end November but I always told Mami that she would deliver by end October. And Guruji blessed her with a son on November 1! I told Saurabh to wait until December, though I did not tell him about what I felt in the Mandir.

I always used to think:
1. Why hadn't I gone to Guruji when he was physically present?
2. Why don't I smell Guruji's fragrance when others do?
3. Why doesn't Guruji come in my dream to tell me what's going on?

But I felt that Guruji did not want me to think on these questions or to complain about these issues.

Towards the end of October, it was again time for the pregnancy test. We went to Guruji on Thursday. My eyes closed as I sat listening to the Gurbani and seeking an answer about when I should do the test. Believe me, we were very scared of doing the test and getting a negative result.

I don't know what happened that day. I got fully engrossed in the Gurbani, just sitting in front of Guruji, with tears pouring down. I felt that Guruji had asked me to buy the pregnancy test-strip on my way back home, but perform the test early morning. Also, I felt that Guruji had asked me that if the result was positive, I should not come to the Bade Mandir alone but only with the baby. Saurabh, however, should continue to come. When I opened my eyes, I was a little shy: What would the people around be thinking of the conversation?

I did as per Guruji's instruction. Saurabh kept insisting that I perform the test at night, but I dared not go against Guruji's instruction. I got up very early around 5 a.m., and we did the test. I had complete faith in Guruji, but had to ask Saurabh to look at the result. He said it looked positive, but we were not sure, as we did not know what a positive result looked like on the test strip. We thanked Guruji, but didn't even congratulate each other. We were still very nervous and wanted to wait until we could get further confirmation through a urine test. We got the test done the next day and, of course, Guruji had blessed us. Jai Guruji!

I obtained all the answers to my questions and understood that Guruji has various ways of communicating with different devotees. We should just trust His way. Guruji Mehar rakhna.

Surbhie Sidwaani, devotee

March 2010