At times, in my heart the flow of love is so strong

Late Purnima Ali, July 2007 हिंदी
Meeting Guruji has been the most wonderful experience of my life. The divine call came in March 2005, when I was very unwell. I had been in and out of hospitals. My feet were so swollen that I could barely move; my daughters would lift my legs from the bed and put them back. I could not even think of walking, leave alone sitting on the floor.

The very first day when I came to Guruji's - I was taken to Guruji by my 96-year-old aunt and her son and daughter-in-law - I could barely walk and I was breathless, but after I had langar and I went home, I slept soundlessly for the first time in ages. When I came to Guruji, my sugar level was high as were my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. I also had problems of the thyroid and kidneys. I also suffered from sleep apnea, that is, lack of oxygen during sleeping. I was without any energy, and my body was so swollen that apart from lying on the bed I could do nothing.

Guruji has pumped life into me, a better quality of life that I could never have imagined. It's like being reborn and finding a new meaning in life. I have not only received physical healing, but I have received mental healing as well.

During my second or third darshan of Guruji, He once made us sit after langar and the flow of His love for the sangat is so strong that you are in total bliss and you forget everything: all your problems just fade away and He makes your life so easy and simple that you feel like living your life and being in His protection forever.

He is my ultimate in every way; He comes first in my life because I cannot and I do not want to see anything beyond Him. The trinity is one and He is the divine power, who has come down to save us. To be able to reach Him is a miracle by itself. We need Him in our lives and the only thing which, we can give Him is our unconditional love and faith. For us to be with Him also proves that in our past lives we were a part of Him and we belong to Him. That is why in this life we are together as well. We should see the sangat as if it is part of one family.

I have been in contact with Guruji only for a short while but I feel and realize that every time I faced death, He has pulled me out of it.

Back in the year 1994, my husband got involved in an extra-marital affair. I felt shattered and cheated upon, yet I thought one day everything would be fine. I also had had a love marriage. In fact, I am a Hindu married to a Muslim and I converted to Islam.

But this year (2006) my husband married his mistress; yet, believe me, I am more at peace with myself. For that peace to come, Guruji intervened and stopped me from self-destruction, for I was in a state of mind where I could have done anything except for committing suicide.

In 1998, I went through a major surgery where the operation was for seven-eight hours. After the surgery, I was sinking and Guruji again saved me.

Recently, around Holi time, my foot got blisters and somehow they turned gangrenous. The wound began smelling foul. When the doctor examined my foot, he said the toe has to be amputated. That day was a Thursday and my day for visiting Guruji is a Friday. Needless to say without His agya, I would not allow the doctor to operate upon me. Guruji said it would be all right; just get a minor incision made. And that is all it took to be cured. Thus, in about a months' time I was fine. And I still have to know of anyone being saved from gangrene.

At times I feel guilty that I have been so careless with myself and have not taken proper care of the body. If I knew that one day I would be in front of my Master, I would have tried to take care of myself and not burden Guruji with my illnesses because He takes all your suffering on Himself. I feel so helpless when He suffers for us. What can we do?

I do not know whether I have surrendered completely to Him or not. Do I doubt Him or do I love Him unconditionally without holding back? I do not know what love is. All I know is that ever since I have met Him, I want to feel His divine presence. What more can I ask for? May the love for Guruji always bloom in our hearts. No matter what happens, I should be able to reach Him. All I pray for is that He please help me build my karma in such a way that I can feel His presence all the time. That's how I want to be with my Master. The more I see Him, the more I feel the thirst and to quench this thirst one life is not enough for me. The soul has an undying hunger and thirst which only my Master can take care of.

I always used to worry about what would happen to my daughters, who are still minors, if something happened to me. Even that has been taken care of. More than me, my daughters feel secure with Guruji, and the love which I and their father were not able to give the girls have received from Guruji and Guruji's sangat. This is bliss to me. What is Moksha I do not know. What I feel is having His divine darshan is moksha by itself.

This is just the beginning of my journey where the path is unknown yet exciting, but the goal is to reach the Divine.

At times Guruji would glance at me and say your Allah could not heal you; what Guru has done no one could have done. During these times, I would just look at Him dumbstruck wanting to utter but unable to even nod my head, not knowing what to say. Today, I feel no one but Allah could have said this. Very very gradually, I have realized that He is the super energy of which we are a part. At different times in different forms He has been descending on this earth to save mankind and free them from suffering. You may call Him Allah, Ram or Guru Nanak. I wish I could reach that state of mind where only He exists and may I be attached to His lotus feet forever.

The love of the Guru should be so strong that nothing comes in between me and my Guru. Like a true devotee I should appreciate whatever He does, because He has given us whatever we require. We are too small to do anything for Him; all we can do is to appreciate and thank Him and keep thanking Him for the rest of the life. May He always forgive us for whatever sins we may commit. We are human and we are bound to make mistakes; so, Guruji, please keep us away from temptation and may our devotion to you keep on increasing till our last breath. After that we will need you even more. We are very fortunate to be in your protection, all of us feel so secure emotionally and so complete that the feeling of unrest is no more.

I am so much at peace with myself. It is like a state of tranquility. At times in my heart, the flow of gratitude is so strong that tears just begin to flow. And it is the most beautiful experience when tears just roll down without any other reason but love. After just two visits to Guruji, my desire to be with Him started growing. I could not hold myself back. My husband would grumble and we would fight and I would be at Guruji's. Every time Guruji would ask me what excuse I had given and I would look puzzled, wondering how He knew. I thought to myself that I might look hassled. But now I realize that He Himself is God Almighty and He knows everything and nothing is hidden from Him. We are puppets on a string and we dance to His tune; we are nothing without Him.

This task of writing on Guruji is not so easy: to be able to capture Guruji's charm in words is very difficult. Even if all the oceans turned into ink and all the land became paper, it would not be possible. I would love to praise my Lord and Master and keep doing this for eternity. May He bless me so that I may go on writing forever and ever. I would run short of words but not of my feelings for Him. I would love to devote all my five senses at His lotus feet and I pray that He accept my offering.

Late Purnima Ali, devotee

July 2007