My heart is yearning for Guruji

A devotee, June 2015
I first read about Guruji over the internet while going through a feature on gurus in the magazine, Life Positive, in year 2013. It had unbelievable experiences: people were cured by merely having langar. I googled to know more about Guruji.

But my journey had begun much before that in April 2012. I had given birth to my daughter, when I had a prophetic dream that I still recall. I saw a person (who resembled Guruji) telling me to get sufficient sleep and eat fruits. He then sent me to pay obeisance at a Shivling.

Sometime after the hospital stay, I developed a boil on my lower back. It was resistant to antibiotics and identified as a methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection. In a few months, the bacteria even colonized my nostrils. The abscess was drained off at the hospital and the infection responded to some antibiotics. I was soon free of MRSA, but my post-pregnancy period remained a trying time. I had arguments with my husband and got no emotional support. I was a new mother who was depressed, neglected and lonely at home.

A little later, I mustered courage to contact a devotee who held weekly satsangs at her place and expressed my desire to attend her satsang. I was hesitant to talk to a stranger since I hardly knew her. Also, I couldn't drive and had no means of transportation. She wanted to come over to my place and give me a picture of Guruji.

Eventually, I experienced my first satsang-online through skype. Unfortunately, due to an audio glitch I couldn't hear any of the shabads being played that day and instead heard background electronic noise. I just closed my eyes and sat there thinking that Guruji's grace and blessings were with me even though I could not attend the satsang physically.

Around that time, my father fell critically ill and suffered a second paralytic stroke. He passed away in a few months' time. I had a premonition about his death. On the day he expired, I had an early-morning dream. My father was clothed in a white robe and told me that he knew of my troubles with my husband and in-laws. I offered him some food and suddenly realized that he was no more. I told him to go in peace and prayed that God's love surround him.

I was woken up from that dream with a phone call from my brother. I told him that I knew our father was gone.

I was so heartbroken, I couldn't cry; the shock was too painful to bear. Then I remembered my prayer to God a few months ago: I had wanted my father to at least see my new-born baby before he passed away, and Guruji had fulfilled my wish. It had so happened that we had to travel to India a month ago upon my father-in-law's demise. I visited my father at that time and he could hold baby in his arms.

Father's death overwhelmed me. I couldn't go to India as I had been there recently. I was plagued with severe tail bone pain; my back would sprain frequently, leaving me bedridden and there was no way I could endure a long flight. Besides I was thoroughly exhausted from taking care of my baby. Family members who knew of my ordeal told me not to travel with a small child and I couldn't travel to pay my last respects.

But Lord Shiva's energy sustained me. I have no words to express what I felt for three consecutive days after my father's death. An energy flow travelled down from the crown of my head and surrounded me. It was very blissful. It was an elevated state of consciousness which found me even witnessing my sleep. That, I know, is akin to the turiyatita, or the fourth stage of consciousness. I was able to disengage myself from the intense sorrow I felt and enter an altered and heightened state of transcendental consciousness.

I know that only the Mahayogi, Lord Shiva, is capable of bestowing such a state and I owe it entirely to Guruji's Grace, which helped me transcend the sorrow and unburden my soul. Today I am convinced that though my father is no more, he is in a better place (or has attained a better world in his afterlife) and Guruji is taking care of him. In the aftermath of my father's death, I experienced strange things in my dreams: astral travel to realms, which cannot be expressed in words. The mind with all its limitations cannot understand such modes of existence, but I know that such worlds exist.

In a few months, the devotee whom I had initially contacted came to my home and presented me with two pictures of Guruji and a locket. She had brought a packet of sweets with her. For me that was Guruji's prasad since a devotee had brought it with devotion along with Guruji's picture. I made my husband consume it, as did my toddler, which was unusual because he never does have sweets.

Satsang undone, but grace blossoms

A big satsang was organized in a neighbouring city in Connecticut, which is a long drive from where I live. Since it was on a weekend, I requested my husband to drop me at a devotee's, who had agreed to take me along. But the night before the satsang, my husband, who had initially agreed, changed his mind, saying that the drop was too much of a hassle.

I was upset that I couldn't attend the satsang and was consoling myself with the thought that it was Guruji's wish. Somehow, I felt, Guruji would send me prasad by post. And that is exactly what happened! I received prasad-four pieces of mithai (sweets)-along with a picture of a cow (a small-calendar picture of Nandi the bull, Lord Shiva's vehicle) from an ISKCON cow shelter on the afternoon of the satsang while it was going on!

Anyone who lives in the US would know how rare it is to get any kind of prasad by post, especially when you have not asked for it. Yet I did so thanks entirely to Guruji's grace.

Today, my tail bone pain is gone, and my back sprain has not come back so far. I have a few health woes and know they will get better with Guruji's grace. I have not attended a single satsang in person or even eaten the sacred langar so far. At times, I am plagued by intense sorrow, fears, doubts, and anxieties and pray that Guruji will take care of me and bestow His grace upon me. I long to visit Bade Mandir, and my heart is yearning for Guruji.

At times, I feel that my connection to my Guruji has drifted into somnolence and only a Satguru can rekindle it. All that I have experienced are mere glimpses of Guruji's divinity; the whole being is greater than the sum of its parts. I am only an infinitesimal part of God's creation; too small to understand the mahima (greatness) and mystery of Guruji.

I pray that Guruji will accept me into His fold and take me and my family, my husband and in-laws -all--under his loving wings and make me worthy of His devotion. Guruji, I don't know how to attain to you. I pray that you will show me the path and be with me throughout the journey. I offer my whole self to you, my Guruji, and humbly beg for your Grace and blessings.

A devotee

June 2015